I am curled up on the loveseat thingy on the balcony, reading a mystery. I feel the railing shake. The cats run to the sliding door and look past me, wide-eyed. I whip around and see Bilbo Fucking Baggins digging in my windowbox. He has one of the fern roots I planted gripped between his teeth like some treetop retriever, getting ready to make off with the goods.
"FREEZE YOU BASTARD!" I shout. He freezes. I leap up, shouting, "AND DROP THE FERN! JUST DROP IT RIGHT NOW!" He drops and flees.
Oh, hooray. Free entertainment for the neighbors.
And you know, I put out PEANUTS IN THE SHELL FROM VIRGINIA for him. I have a squirrel feeder just for his fat little Al Capone ass. Perverse little monster. That's gratitude for ya.